6-10

This was a weird time. I had a lot of health challenges that week and almost quit. But I'm still here! :)

6/30
It’s not that I don’t care
Not that I don’t see, and hear, and experience these tragedies
It’s just that her name
gets caught in my throat 
as I try to sound it out my eyes water
new casualties
old game
new spins
same topic
investing myself in each story
adds to my already chronic PTSD
saying her name
feels like choking
and no one is offering assistance
just standing
scolding you for eating too fast
Being black in America
is knowing how the movie ends but praying that your memory fails you
some days I pray the whole Black experience is just a nightmare
and I’ll wake up and live in a land
where I’m not afraid to reproduce
where red and blue lights mean protection
where I don’t have to chant,hashtag, and write think pieces on the validity of my existence
because it’s common knowledge that black lives fucking matter
but then as I click my heels and pray to return to a home where I am not a target
I remember
this reality
where babies are not safe in their own bedrooms
Classrooms are battlegrounds
Where suspicious children garner disdain not sympathy
I know nothing but good fortune has kept my loved ones from hash tag infamy
But the right to life should not be a lottery
I do not want the golden ticket
While others are subjected to the horror of not being a winner
I simply want to breathe

7/30

3 questions from the emergency room (Shut Up Kelsey)

What if this is something they will not be able to explain?
What if my struggling is undervalued because they think black people don't feel pain?
What if Beyonce drops her new album and I can't reactivate my Tidal membership because I'm in a coma?

8/30

Awkward makes me awkward
I am a pauser
Delayer
I put uncomfortable moments away on the shelf
A problem for future Kelsey
I avoid opening messages that have read receipts
They pile up
I think most are on to me
I put off to never what could be done tomorrow
The future is a magical place where I am equipped with skills that current Kelsey
Does not posess
I assume that in the tomorrows I have been gifted with a sense of urgency, know how and courage
But I can not fathom channeling those characteristics now
Procrastination is more than habit
It is a warm blanket on a cold winter day
I know my body will eventually encounter frigid reality
But until then I choose to luxuriate in temporary bliss
I will curse my stalling eventually
But that once again
Is a problem for future me

9/30

I am in recovery
I am in the process of discovering who i really am when in touch with my truth
I am attempting to recover what has been lost
And all that I have given away
I am no longer covering my skeletons out of embarrassment
The worst thing someone can do is circulate
or exit my life

10/30

For girls whose bodies have been communion
for those who did not deserve to sit at their table
You asked with every offering
For someone to take and make whole
Yet they break you
You have been ravaged
And they have gotten full
Stepped away
From the table
From you
You emulated savior for boys that needed rescue
But you are not beyond deliverance
You sought attention
They brought you lust
Be more specific, love
But do not punish your past
It has brought you to this moment