I just needed a place to access all my pieces in the event Facebook decides to do something odd...
1/30
Self care
Does not mean perfection
Will not always be consistent
You are constantly evolving and growing
As is your relationship with her
You may not always be the kindest
Practice by saying sorry
Make habits of gentleness
Correct creeping thoughts that insinuate your humanity makes you inadequate
Speak your dreams until they start to sound more reality than fairytale
Remind self that she is a monument-
commemoration to all that attempted to destroy her and failed
That in this very moment she is urban legend fears spoke of in half bated breath
they never believed that a self actualized version of you could exist
Grant love and patience as if you were the patient
The child you feverishly protect
Give her benefit of doubt and chances
Room to grow into her tomorrow with minimum judgment
Find peace in knowing you will never be
Everything at once
But you will always be enough
Stumble
Repeat.
Does not mean perfection
Will not always be consistent
You are constantly evolving and growing
As is your relationship with her
You may not always be the kindest
Practice by saying sorry
Make habits of gentleness
Correct creeping thoughts that insinuate your humanity makes you inadequate
Speak your dreams until they start to sound more reality than fairytale
Remind self that she is a monument-
commemoration to all that attempted to destroy her and failed
That in this very moment she is urban legend fears spoke of in half bated breath
they never believed that a self actualized version of you could exist
Grant love and patience as if you were the patient
The child you feverishly protect
Give her benefit of doubt and chances
Room to grow into her tomorrow with minimum judgment
Find peace in knowing you will never be
Everything at once
But you will always be enough
Stumble
Repeat.
2/30
Dear future child
You are far far away from existing
But I've thought a lot about our relationship
I am Bill and Renee's daughter
So there are some things I'm pretty sure I will subconsciously carry on
For example
Your entire government name will probably be the soundtrack to every mistake you are caught in
But your middle name will be precious music that will remind you you will always be treasured
I will repeat myself
Quite often
Talk with my hands
But there are some traditions I hope do not make it to next generation
It is my intention that you never have to carry mommy's baggage in your backpack
or experience the pain of loving parents who love you but don't know how to love you the way that you need to be loved
I wish to raise you to be free
Unburdened by expectations to live up to someone else's version of respectable
I aspire
To birth a human who is not blackbird chained
I pray that your mother stays woke
Doesn't fall prey to the lie that children are innocent
Seen/not heard
Seeing and hearing but not retaining
The fallacy that their memories won't kick in until older
That their sponge hearts will not absorb the pain of their young shock
I want to stay informed in my care of you before trauma
Teach you to not swallow your emotions to make me feel better
Only to purge your heart on a stage one day for closure
I intend to hand down love, my eyes. my huge heart
If you ever feel that I am pushing you to try on insecurities that are not your size
Creating battles that you are not owner of
I ask that you correct me
I hope that I have the courage to listen
But I've thought a lot about our relationship
I am Bill and Renee's daughter
So there are some things I'm pretty sure I will subconsciously carry on
For example
Your entire government name will probably be the soundtrack to every mistake you are caught in
But your middle name will be precious music that will remind you you will always be treasured
I will repeat myself
Quite often
Talk with my hands
But there are some traditions I hope do not make it to next generation
It is my intention that you never have to carry mommy's baggage in your backpack
or experience the pain of loving parents who love you but don't know how to love you the way that you need to be loved
I wish to raise you to be free
Unburdened by expectations to live up to someone else's version of respectable
I aspire
To birth a human who is not blackbird chained
I pray that your mother stays woke
Doesn't fall prey to the lie that children are innocent
Seen/not heard
Seeing and hearing but not retaining
The fallacy that their memories won't kick in until older
That their sponge hearts will not absorb the pain of their young shock
I want to stay informed in my care of you before trauma
Teach you to not swallow your emotions to make me feel better
Only to purge your heart on a stage one day for closure
I intend to hand down love, my eyes. my huge heart
If you ever feel that I am pushing you to try on insecurities that are not your size
Creating battles that you are not owner of
I ask that you correct me
I hope that I have the courage to listen
3/30
I'm not 100% sure what self love looks like
But I'm sure that it involves leaving his number alone
Remembering it's much better to long for the past
Than relive it foolishly
Remember the memories connected with it-sure
But when old habits attempt was resurface
Throw that thing as far as you can
They make insurance for phones
But I'm sure that it involves leaving his number alone
Remembering it's much better to long for the past
Than relive it foolishly
Remember the memories connected with it-sure
But when old habits attempt was resurface
Throw that thing as far as you can
They make insurance for phones
4/30
I was never glass shard forgotten on floor
Lightning bolt freak accident
Unintended reply all
Do not make me out to be mistake
When you know I was firefly
A shred of nostalgia
Summoning memories of pre-jagged you
Reminding you of joy
But second chances don't quite have the same stick
She is still there
99 cent residue
Your mouth never told me
But the idea of us was terrifying
It was clear in your anecdotes
Negative preoccupation is still obsession
I found myself aching to be altered
Reconfigure my heart in such a way that she no longer mattered
Auditioning for a role in your life that was already reserved
But my experience is not crap because one director is committed to typecasting
I used to ask myself
When will I be good enough?
Question turned statement
When I remember I am not a product that needs to be proven
An individual not seconds
A firefly that is meant to be free
Lightning bolt freak accident
Unintended reply all
Do not make me out to be mistake
When you know I was firefly
A shred of nostalgia
Summoning memories of pre-jagged you
Reminding you of joy
But second chances don't quite have the same stick
She is still there
99 cent residue
Your mouth never told me
But the idea of us was terrifying
It was clear in your anecdotes
Negative preoccupation is still obsession
I found myself aching to be altered
Reconfigure my heart in such a way that she no longer mattered
Auditioning for a role in your life that was already reserved
But my experience is not crap because one director is committed to typecasting
I used to ask myself
When will I be good enough?
Question turned statement
When I remember I am not a product that needs to be proven
An individual not seconds
A firefly that is meant to be free
5/30
B raver than ever, some days
I am not my diagnosis but can't help but feel protective
P ray silently when mental illness and myself are associated for first time
O verreact in my head; fear no one taking me seriously
L ove myself anyway
A ccept that ignorance will be present regardless if I add myself to the number
R emember stigma is broken with stories and honesty
I am not my diagnosis but can't help but feel protective
P ray silently when mental illness and myself are associated for first time
O verreact in my head; fear no one taking me seriously
L ove myself anyway
A ccept that ignorance will be present regardless if I add myself to the number
R emember stigma is broken with stories and honesty
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