Ghost Girl

I’ve heard it said that it never rains in southern California

But clearly

Tony Toni Toné never visited 57th street on the right day

Because if they had..

They would know that the rain was frequent and heavy

Gushing from the tear ducts of a ghost girl I used to know who never felt worthy

She dreams of a way out

But always wakes up to nightmares

And it’s not fair

That we live in a world

Where little girls are

Cast into dreadful circumstances

Preconditioning them for a life of sin

Before they even had a chance

It just doesn’t seem right

That we live two vastly different lives

And while I’m proud of my accomplishments

I can’t turn a blind eye to the fact that this sister

MY sister

Didn’t start on an even playing field

That three digit address she resided in wasn’t a home to her

If the walls were one to gossip they’d tell you the misconduct that goes on between them

Grandfathers playing games that borderlined impropriety with unassuming granddaughters

Who had no one to confide in because

Daddy wasn’t there

And Mama didn’t much care one way or another

Too busy searching in vain for a brotha

Instead for ghost girl she made little brothers

And sisters

Some she kept

Some she aborted with money she extorted from her misters

And the schooling she received violated her eighth amendment rights

Because being publicly called stupid by a first grade teacher can scar a child for life

And I’m sure that that can be classified as cruel and usual

And so can the endless playground teasing that followed her all the way up to high school

Where the taunts became more subtle yet increasingly hurtful at the same time

Mistreated all her life

Raped of her innocence

Beaten of her kindness

She suffered silently in abuse

So much anguish so little time

Brainwashed to think her sole purpose in life was misuse

She was never the one to wear her heart on her sleeve

Instead she kept it tucked away in the back pocket of her favorite jeans

Casually molesting it every so often to make sure it was still there

But keeping it close by for easy access to give it away to the first person who acted like they cared

To anyone who would make her for one second feel relevant to life

See she wasn’t aware

That her heart was her was the wellspring of life

Her most valuable possession

And should be guarded with all her might

All she knew was that by giving it away the chances of her receiving love spiked

But she never got what she craved

Never was fully satisfied

Because she viewed herself as broken

Damaged goods

Unwhole as a individual

So she offered up her holes as compensation

Hoping that filling the empty spaces in her body with male appendages

Would somehow close the gap in her heart

Deprived of affection as a child

And adolescence didn’t do her much better

She had no real basis to go off of

She subscribed to the big 3: movies, radio and TV

Thought the media had all the answers

If only she could adapt her one of a kind life to their one size fits all plan

Then she’d be all right

Came to the conclusion that this love thing was just what she needed in her life

And made it her mission to find the faceless man who could somehow heal her pain

Figured that even Disney princess had to kiss a few frogs so

What’s a little rain?

Every now and then

But see she underexaggerated the circumstances

Never once considered that her romances

Had an adverse effect on her psyche

Her whole life she heard sex was supposed to make you feel better

But why then instead of tears of ecstasy did drops of pain stain her face

She didn’t know the answer and didn’t have the patience to wait

She continued to search for a band aid in flesh form

Erroneously thinking that fucking and sucking could make this hurt go away

But the more and more she did that h

The more she found it was there to stay

Still she was too stuck in her ways to make a change

You see that required her to take interest in where her life was headed

And she had checked out a long time ago

She was vicariously existing

Thriving off of the inconstant pseudo affection

Which correlated with the time-span of some random dude’s erection

She lived life on the edge

Easier to just not give a damn rather than run the risk of failure

See her moral compass stopped ticking a long time ago

Started issuing IOUs because her soul was out of order

And it didn’t look like it was getting fixed anytime soon

Meanwhile her life is just one big monsoon

Raindrop after raindrop

Roll from her eyelids

Each one representing her insecurities

Yet in her pity party she finds security

Comfort

Her low standards

Help her to never be disappointed

I watch this tragedy from afar

Knowing that it doesn’t have to be this way

I wish that she would still talk to me and maybe then I could say

Stop

Allowing other’s transgressions to cause you to miss out on your blessing

I know

It’s hard to picture yourself as being beautiful

When most of the people you’ve interacted with have led you to believe otherwise

But understand that you answer to a higher authority and their opinions pale in comparison

And I wish I could find you a mirror clear enough to show you God’s love inscribed on every inch of your being

Wish that I could superglue Psalm 139:14 & Jeremiah 29:11 or her forehead so every time she looked in that mirror she’d be reassured of her purpose

Know that God didn’t create her to live like she was worthless

And understand no matter how much life hurts it’s only temporary

That trials build character and testimony

And that nothing and no one in this world can fulfill you like your Creator

So stop looking

When it’s time he will come

And you’ll have much more in common

Than how much you both like it when he comes

Until then work on you

I wish I could

She continues to gamble her life away

Each year she ups the ante

Hoping for a big pay day

Not realizing that the game is not a game at all

There are no shortcuts or substitutes

You realize there will be good hands and bad hands

Times of laughter and agony

And you can wallow or you can blossom

But life will still go on regardless

And to truly be a winner

Get to know the owner

Realize that everything is not what it seems

And the first step to changing your reality

Is waking up from your day dream